Dear Enemy 

Dear Enemy, 

I am not your enemy. I would love it if we were friends again. I still spy on you frequently. Thank you for leaving your Instagram page public. 

I think of you often and I cannot help but smile as I watch your videos and read your posts. You seem well. Healed. Whole.
I am sad that I was not a part of that and did not contribute to that process of your betterment.

I sent you a message and quickly unsent it because I still fear your reaction even after I apologised a year too late. Even after you accepted my apology and told me you forgave me, months after my apology. I now understand why you took your time. I remember you never spoke, just for the sake of it.  I miss that. I should have responded immediately but pride. If I responded now, would you respond? Or would you snort at my audacity?

I am trying to understand what went wrong. My memory is awful and all I remember is a mesh of a lot of things, mostly negative.

I know in my heart that you did many things wrong but I can only see where I could have acted better. Behaved like a human being and handled situations better. Even during the times the really awful incidents took place, I remember trying. Albeit, half heartedly. I could have tried harder. I forget that you could read me like a book. You knew exactly how I felt.

I see that I behaved like a child. I see that I could have done better. It is too late now, isn’t it? My chance to try and reconnect has passed has it not? I know I may not get my answers but I want to reach out to you. 
I want to bump into you in the street and give you a big hug. I want to tell you all what you have missed and tell you I have been following you. I want to tell you I am so glad you found bae! 

I miss you. 

I now appreciate a lot of the qualities you had when we were friends.  I hope I did not contribute to eliminating them. Please tell me you are still sweet and kind. Please. I noticed your sense of humour is still intact, thank God. But I also noticed in a few posts, cynicism. 

I am so sorry.

I did not think.

I did not know any better.

I do now…and even then, I am still learning.

If it helps, know that you helped me appreciate and show appreciation for my current friends. You helped teach me to handle people with love, care and tenderness. You had  a hand in teaching me to be gentle with my friends. All the things I did not practice with you.
I did not appreciate you. I did not understand you or even try to empathise. I am sorry. I see flashes of some of the ways I treated you and my cheeks are warm. I really was a complete bitch to you. Yet, you hung around, you tried. I remember all those times. 

I am so sorry.

Your kindness is what I took for granted. I knew you would stay. I knew you would take my rubbish. I took full advantage until I broke you. 

I am sorry.

 If it helps, please know that a lot of the seeds I planted with you, I have reaped. They hurt like hell and I could not even be angry at these people because I did it first to you. I was reaping the seeds I sowed. The fact that you may have felt even a tiny bit of what I felt in those moments, breaks my heart. 

I am sorry.

I know it is entirely selfish of me to want us to be friends again but I do. I am afraid though that if for whatever reason, you allow me into your life again, I will hurt you again so I feel it is best to just let you be. I do not want to hinder your progress or make you look back or remind you of the past. 

I don’t want to be in a situation where I spend all my time trying to make it up to you. You don’t want that either.

I wish you could tell me I am wrong. 
It is possible that I have made you out to be blameless and so innocent because I feel so bad. I don’t know. Were you entirely innocent? 

I don’t know. 

What I do know is, I am missing a great deal because you are not in my life anymore. I will always regret the time we have lost. 

Oh, and I did like you. A lot. But pride.

What happened? I remember hugging you after that last blow out and then nothing. 

What happened?

I still wish you well. I have always wished you well. I just lost focus for a while. It became about something else. 

Dear Enemy, I now handle my friends with care. I make sure they know that they are loved and cared for. I never fail to remind them just how much they mean to me. I make sure that I listen. I make sure I check on them. I make sure I encourage them…at least, I try to be the friend I want to have. I try to be a good friend. A far better friend than I was to you. I will never stop trying. I will never stop trying for my friends. If this is the consequence of losing you as a friend, then know that even in your absence in my life, your life is making a difference.

However you might now feel about me, know that I still regard you warmly and think of you fondly. 

I beg you to keep on loving those fortunate people in your life. The way you loved me. Keep telling them how precious they are. Keep encouraging them. Keep making them laugh. Keep making them feel important. Keep being gentle and kind. Keep being wonderfully weird. You made me feel like royalty you know. I never told anyone that. 

I cannot demand forgiveness. I can only ask.

I have made this mistake once. This one time, is more than enough for me.  I will not make it again, at least, I do not intend to make it again.

I am glad you are well. Healed. Whole. 

Thank God for where you are, now. I feel your happiness and want it to continue. 

But, just in case, I do have to ask, is there any space for me?

I no longer want an enemy.

Love and Blessings,

C

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