You were in my dreams…

I still dream of you.
Hating that like an invisible magnet and metal, I am still drawn to you!  
When you asked me to speak the truth, I could have sung my heart out. Seizing that opportunity to stand before your maker and shout about my love for you.
 Instead, I shook my head. “No“. 
I said you lied.  I said I could not love you. 

I said I wondered where you discovered that idea. I should have closed my mouth.
 Everything I did from that day, everything I would do, would force distance between us. You could never, would never trust me. I had the chance to speak the truth, cover you and uphold you.
 I had the chance to reward your vulnerability. 
I had the chance to begin our journey. 

A journey. With you. With us. I could have built up your trust in me.
 Instead, I broke down all trust. I lied. I denied my love for you. I denied you. Your face in that moment, is carved in my heart. 
That is the actual moment, I lost your heart. 
I know I hurt you. I know I humiliated you.

 I know you retold that story many times but why did you accept my challenge?
 If you had declined, I would have – may have not spoken my heart. 

Then I would not have had to deny it. Oh! You looked so sad in my dream. 
You stood there, just watching me with anger and a hint of sadness on your beautiful darker than dark chocolate face. 

I miss you. So much time has passed.
 Why am I dreaming of you now? 

 ‎

Why now? In my dream, I forced myself to go to you. Go back to you. Run to you but I could not get out. I searched for you from my window. I could no longer see you. You, who were set apart. All I saw was a crowd. 
I could not even see you any more.

Why am I so drawn to you?
Why does my heart still flutter when I see pictures of you?
Time has not erased my fondness for you.
Time has surely not erased the betrayal.
Time has only heightened my feeling of inferiority.
Why did I dream of you? 
Why did you look so sad. 
With a hint of anger?
Maybe it is time to shake you off. Leave you where you closed our chapter.
Forgive myself for denying you and forgive you for choosing her.
In lying and denying, I chose myself. I chose to protect myself. 
You chose another. You still choose yet another.
That time, I chose myself.
This time, I still choose myself.

I still choose myself.

I choose myself! 

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