When people use me…

I used to get angry when people used me.

Then I used to get angry for allowing myself to be used.

Then I was hurt that when there was no need, I was of no use – until the next time there was a need. It was exhausting.  It did serious damage to my self esteem.

I used to ask, is that all I am good for? Is there anything on my forehead that causes people to decide to use me?

I was stuck because I thought these people were my ‘friends’. I ‘had’ to help them or they would stop being my friends.

I once heard a man ask his friend, “why are we mates?”.

I sat there going through the list of my friends. Asking the same questions and I began to wonder. If I could not do what I already do (for) these people, would they remain my friends?

The answer for the most part was no.

They were around for what I did for them in one way or another. If I stopped. I was no longer useful to them.

And so I stopped. When I stopped, they disappeared.

Only reappearing when there was a need.
When I refuse to meet the need, they would disappear again.
This time, I finally recognised these people. These ‘friends’ of mine. I could predict their moves, 2 steps in advance. They had not  changed after so long.

I, was changing. I had begun to love myself. I had begun to fight for myself. I had begun to learn, re-learn and un-learn.
There was no longer space for people who came to the table, empty handed, instead, carried two spoons in their pockets.
My heart could not afford the cost.

I was told to waste their time.
I was told to cut them off.
I was told to abuse them and burn that bridge.
There was no need.

People like these will find their own way…
I will simply no longer offer my heart, my mind, my purse to be fed on, with no possibility of replenishment.

Because I need to live.

Because I need to thrive.

Because I need to pour into those who pour into me.
If I continued to pour into these people, while others poured into me, I would become a leech for the people I am supposed to pour into.

As much as we like to deny it, life is give and take. You cannot take without giving.
The giving and taking is not always of the same thing but there *has* to be some give and some take.

A person cannot survive just giving or just taking.  Something or someone  will break.
So! I made up my mind, if I was to be friendless, so be it.

If I was to be lonely, so be it.
If I was to stand alone, so. be. it.

My mind could no longer deal with this cycle of drain and re-drain.
These people came back, tried to keep taking and left empty handed.

I had nothing to give them.
They accused me of selfishness.
Carelessness.
Wickedness.
Then, started their ridiculous attempt at manipulation.

“WOE IS ME”. (Okay. Sorry).
“I THOUGHT YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN”. (Look at Jesus).
“I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU ARE NICE” (I said, I would like to be.)
Then, they told people I had harmed them. I held my peace.
I ignored everything even though I wanted to attack. Defend myself.
I waved a white flag and they misunderstood it as my offer to feed (them) and tried again to feed.
I did not provide for their need.

They walked away from me.
Even now, I know they are planning a new way to come back and feed. I see it. I see them.
I know their moves.
I know the strategy.

However it is dressed, at its base,  it looks the same.
I love me now.
I have no need for fakers.
There is no room.
I love me now.

I pour into those who pour into me.
I give those who give me.
I recognise the truth when I see it.
I no longer get angry when people try and use me.
I laugh.

I know their moves. I can predict their next step and two.
I am able to jump and by pass the trap.
It cannot catch me. It cannot touch me.
They can no longer feed on me.
Their anger is not my business.
I am learning to mind my business.

I love me now.
I used to get angry when people used me.
Then I get angry at myself for allowing myself to be be used.
Then I was hurt that when, there was no need, I was of no use.

Now, I laugh as I tackle an issue with a friend who tackled my issue with me.
Now, I pinch myself at the level of love and kindness shown and given to me.
Now, I laugh with contentment as I join in the celebrations that do not require anything from me but merriment and participation in the feast.
Now. Now, I laugh, roll up my sleeves and try to give back. Give back all the love that has been poured unto me.

Love and Blessings,

xOx

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