Fix the phone not the headphones…

For over a year, I bought over 10 headphones. It is true that they were cheap but they were not so cheap that they should have been so useless. Every time I purchased one, only one ear would be working. I bought earphones from China, America and the UK. Every time, it would be the same thing. Only one ear would be working. This was frustrating. 
I never leave negative reviews. If I did not like something, I would simply delete the seller. If I ever leave a bad review, it must have been really bad. 
After about the fifth bad earphones, I started messaging these sellers demanding my money back. 

This went on for a while. I even invested in more expensive headphones and the same thing happened. All this time, it did not occur to me that maybe my phone was the problem until I used my brother’s headphones. Unlike me, my brother and Mum don’t do cheap. They believe you invest in quality that will last. So, when his were not working as well, I realised the problem was not the headphones but my phone. 

Like my phone, a lot of us believe others are the problem. We try and fix the issue with external things when the main issue is us. 

For years, I made up really stupid things about my life. I would lie when there was no need to lie. Hearing me tell my life story, my life sounded like a Disney movie. I actually told a class mate that my grandma baked me cookies. L.O.L! It was a ridiculous absolutely needless lie. Firstly, I have never called her ‘grandma’ in my life. Her name is Big Mummy and she made me Asaro, Eba, Beans, Macaroni and other Nigerian delicacies. My big Mummy even gave in and made me Indomie when I was in a particular strop. Secondly, I am not sure she even knew how to bake cookies. She always bought me Nigerian Digestives though. In my eleven year old mind, if I lied about certain things, I would be accepted. I would fit in. Guess what?! I did not fit in. Even with all my Disney stories, my classmates at the time simply would not accept me. No, they made sure I was an outcast and remained an outcast until I left primary school. Those were the longest six months of my life. (I had just moved to England and started primary school – talk about culture shock!)

I dressed in certain ways, denied certain hobbies and generally was someone else for a while. It did not change a thing.  I remained unhappy. I was still that student in the library and was on the outside so much so, the teachers followed suit. This went on for a while. I left primary school, started secondary school and for the first few years, I remained on the outside. Although, I developed a new coping strategy which was equally as bad, found people to hang out with, I simply could not ‘fit in’. I did not know who I was, I accepted and became the person other people said I was (can you imagine allowing 13 year olds define you? Horrid idea).

As cliche as it sounds, I did not truly begin to accept myself until I found out that God loved me. I found my sense of self in Jesus. I found myself in Jesus and it was the most liberating experience of my life till date. I was me and it was okay to be me. There was nothing wrong with me. I found out that how I was created was intentional. The things I liked, my personality, even the things that annoyed me was all intentional. I was not broken. I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  

I am still struggling with a few aspects of who I am but I can now say that at my base, I feel whole. I no longer need to lie for acceptance. As much as I like cookies, it is okay that I buy them from Asda. Even Lidl now do soft cookies. I do not need to agree with you. I do not need to be a certain way. I do not need to speak a certain way. I do not even need to look a certain way (I said goodbye to grunge behaviour. Lol!) I am at peace with myself. 

It has taken many years – many years. Many nights filled with tears. Many incidents where my heart broke. Many times when I felt the rejection would kill me – I am not exaggerating. Until you have been the focus of a blank out, you do not understand how these things hurt. As nice as some children are, there are others who are mean to the bone. All that time, in all those years, it was the other person’s fault. THEY could not see (they could not). THEY could not understand (they could not). THEY did not try (some did). THEY were bullies (they were). I was little Miss perfect and all these bad things were happening TO me. (Lol!) It never for one moment crosses my mind that I could be at fault. I often wonder what those years would have been like if I left my mask at home and was just myself.

I was broken and all the headphones I was buying to fix me were not working because all those headphones were not the issue. I was the issue. 

Leaving Church and everything else associated with Christianese aside, I was able to look myself in the mirror because God (this is not a typo).
I was being fixed. All the lies I told and believed were being fixed. It was time to be honest with myself and others. I did not need to be anything but myself. 

Being a child of God was enough.

I found peace.

Of course, my headphones are still working with only one ear because I have a 24 month contract but I no longer throw money at it. I will either fix the issue directly or wait to get an upgrade. 

I am happier. Less frustrated and can make better use of my time. 

What is YOUR headphone issue? 

Love and Blessings,

xOx

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