I don’t want to be obsessed by the idea of you. I want to simply love you and be loved by you.
I don’t want to make decisions based on how I think you will perceive or receive them.
I don’t want to hurt you.
Yet, I cannot help but feel like I am obsessed by the idea of you. Not you.
I feel like if I actually got to know you, I may not actually like you. So, I sit satisfied to day dream of qualities and personality traits I have attributed to you.
I will admit, I love the idea of you.
I spent a little time talking to you and I could see the pattern re-emerge.
Urgh! I was doing it again.
While talking to you, the reality of you bored me and so even in talking to you, my mind wandered to my idea of you. You became interesting again.
The idea of you, that Instagram, rose-tinted, holy and intense version of you is so scintillating. I see and admire the wonderful real-life qualities you have which would be wonderful in anyone. I recognise you are wise, kind, attentive, hard-working, devout. I noticed you catch the things people miss and yet, I still prefer my idea of you to you.
I don’t want to hurt you or take you for granted. I don’t want to nonsense you to make you feel less than. I am afraid that if my daydreams were made a reality, I would (may) destroy your journey. I write this because I cannot dare say it out loud.
I want to see you as you are, as perfectly imperfect. Yet, I want that imperfection to perfectly delight me. I want to honour you and be your safe space. I want to honour God in the way I honour you. I want us to walk together in honour. I want you to soar without interruption (from me).
I want to love you. Really love you but I am afraid, all my focus is still in the idea of you and that makes me sad for me and sad for you because you deserve someone who wants to love you for you. As you. Not as who she thinks you are.
Talking to you more would be a start in the right direction but I will not instigate that conversation. I will wait until you do. I will wait in discontentment with the idea of the perfect you in my dreams.
I will wait.
I will have to wait until you decide that you see me. Until you decide you want me. Until you decide to talk to me and rip away the idea of you and actually show me your soul – expose the totality of who you are.
If you do make the decision to scatter my idea of you, I hope that your reality, however flawed is better than my daydreams of you.
I hope that in being exposed to your first step, I am able to navigate these new waters and allow myself delete the idea of you and wholly embrace the real you.