I (Who I STILL) Am

It is a difficult time for everyone in this pandemic and believe it or not, there are many who are not deterred in the slightest bit by Covid19. Not because they are ignorant of the risks or because they feel, their rights (to stay in doors) are being infringed or even because they are conspiracy theorists. No, they do not care because what they are currently facing is bigger than Covid19. In the current climate, it is hard to believe that that is even possible but here we are. There are people who can boldly state that they would rather have the Corona virus than the diseases they have been diagnosed with with or whatever they are currently facing in their personal lives.

In the book of Numbers, chapters 13 to 14. We read about Caleb and 11 other spies who were sent to scope out a land that God had given them. Most of them reported about the giants. They said, “The land we traveled through and explored will devour anyone who goes to live there. All the people we saw were huge. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak. Next to them we felt like grasshoppers, and that’s what they thought, too!” – Numbers 13: 32-33 (NLT).

Somehow, Caleb saw completely differently. I have always wondered what he saw – WHY he saw what he saw. HOW he could have seen what he saw and WHY it was so different to the report of the majority of people on his team. So many preachers have the answers to this and the Bible even tells us why specifically. Today, I think I finally understood – personally.

Recently, I was talking to my friend about the reason I find it so easy to believe all the world and more for all my friends and all the strangers of the world about the impossible but when it comes to me, I suddenly find that I am lacking in faith. It is not as if God loves me less than anyone else. It is not like God has not answered my prayers in the past or that He has not been merciful to me. Yet! I found myself in a situation recently and I was despondent. Where had my faith gone? I believe(d) with all my heart that God was (is) good. I believed that He was good. I believed and still believe, yet, I sat on the bed, weeping because I could not see how I would get out of this space/place I have found myself in.

God had not changed. He will not change. He does not change. The Bible says so – “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” – Hebrews 13:8 (NLT). So why was I so sad and disheartened? It was not like God had not healed me in the past. He had! He had done so miraculously too! The doctors shrugged at me and said, sorry, there was nothing else they could do for me. God healed me! I was at the back of a Church during the praise teams’ rehearsal just enjoying the worship and I felt the hand of God. I will never forget that day because when it happened, I knew it was God. I just knew. God healed me so fantastically, it was as if I never had an issue in the first place. The only proof that that issue existed is my medical records and yet, here I was. Despite knowing God as Healer in my life (not all that long ago), my thoughts still turned to panic and self-pity. God had certainly not changed, so what, like those 10 men, was my problem?

When Caleb was asked about what he saw, he said, “The land we travelled through and explored is a wonderful land! And if the Lord is pleased with us, he will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey” – Numbers 14:7-8 (NLT). Why would he respond in this way? Could he not see what the others saw? Was he on some kind of drug? Why was his report so different?

Caleb said, “Do not rebel against the Lord, and don’t be afraid of the people of the land. They are only helpless prey to us! They have no protection, but the Lord is with us! Don’t be afraid of them!” – Numbers 14:9 (NLT). I find now, that it was because Caleb saw through the lens of God. His main focus was being pleasing to God – whatever people were doing or saying was not his business. As far as he was concerned, as long as God was on his side, he had won because God was on his side and maybe I need to copy Caleb in believing this. Maybe I need to start seeing as God sees – believing what God says. Following the instructions of God and believing in the ability of God. Maybe like Caleb my response only need be, ” YES” just because God said. The fact that God said, should be more than enough.

For Caleb, it was. For the Israelites, it was not. They wanted to stone Caleb and Joshua for daring to believe God because they could not see. Their inability to see did not change God’s ability to intervene and help them. In actual fact, their inability to see would cost them their promised land because their fear and unbelief would hold them back from even trying to do anything. As they contemplated killing the two people who saw correctly…

And the Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? Will they never believe me, even after all the miraculous signs I have done among them? Numbers 14:11 NLT

I wonder how many times God has asked Himself this question regarding US! We read in the Bible, about Jesus and His disciples and how many times He says to them, ‘o ye of little faith’. Or, ‘why did you not believe?’ As I challenge you, I am challenging myself. I have had to ask my self, is it not the same God? Where is your faith? Is He not still all-powerful? The Able One? Is He not still the Ruler? Is God not the Healer? Is He still not the I (Great) I Am?!

The truth is, He still is. He always will be. That is something that will never change so wipe those tears away. Breathe. God can. He may not do what you want when you want but He can and in Jesus name, He will at the right time. Even in my situation, I know that He will. My situation is not too difficult – it is not difficult at all (when He does, I will refer back to this post). God is bigger than whatever it is that is bothering you and I am here to remind you that when you want to continue and run away in your fear, please remember that God is able. He has not changed. There is hope. There is help in God. We only need to ask! He is still, the Great I Am and He is able to help you (and help me too!!). Just keep on believing!

Be encouraged!

Love and Blessings,


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