It feels like another, ‘close your mouth. Stop talking’ moment. It feels like another dismissal. Did he hear what I said? Did he hear the words that I spoke? I did not waste my words. I shared them with him so that he could learn. He did not learn, he did not want to learn. Instead, he put his hand over my mouth and silenced me, yet again.
Yes, yes, I cannot rely on my feelings. They are not the solid ground that I should seek to build on but they are my feelings. I feel what I feel. I cannot ignore them. Right now, I feel invisible, unheard and ignored. I shared a moment in time when I felt like someone who looks like him could have intervened. Done something to protect and stand guard over someone who looks like me and his response made me want to shift back swiftly…into the shadows – apologise for daring to seek understanding.
This was his chance Lord. This was his opportunity to prove me wrong. This was it. The perfect moment to prove his words. To focus all the anger I had seen when it was about people who looked like him. This was the defining moment and… nothing. His silence, not even like a knife in the back which would have taken some effort but like indifference, he simply disregarded my plea for support. He shrugged off my pain, it was not even worth a response. He gave me Bible.
No, no, I cannot deny the truth in what he said. Your Word will forever be the truth but Your love was what was needed in that time-space. The point in which he could have acknowledged the hurt, corrected the wrong and conceded to the pain I voiced. Instead, he gagged me. The space to air the unease I felt, stolen from me in a moment. My inability to share my reality with him staunched. I cannot speak. There is no freedom to speak.
I back down. I will not fight for my right to speak my truth to any one who is unable to hear the words that I articulate so plainly. I will not push to be heard. No, not any more. If when I tell a person that this hurts and the response is neutral, bland, unfeeling, generic, I will not – I refuse to force him to see, to hear, to understand. I choose defeat willingly because I refuse to engage in battle with the person who is supposed to be fighting alongside me. I back down. Yes. I am tired Lord. I am tired. Tiredness has become the anthem of the black woman.
Sometimes, I do want people to speak the truth but please, I want people to speak the truth at the right time. Sometimes, I want people to dry my tears before they correct me. Sometimes, let me share my burdens before you show me the way. Sometimes, all that is needed is, a ‘I hear you’. Sometimes, even when they are right, even when they are correct, even when they have chosen the better way, I wish that people would allow me pour out. Sometimes I want them to see my wounds and grant them validation. Sometimes.
Maybe, maybe, this is why they say, man can never be God. I cannot expect God-likeness from flesh. It is impossible.
Oh Lord, my God. You see the plight of the black woman. You are a just and merciful God and You do not have favourites. I am angry and I am tired Lord. I am trying not to sin in my anger but Lord, see. Sometimes, the weight of being black and female feels like a curse.
You, my Lord and my King, see me as Yours. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am Your masterpiece. You, my Lord and my King, are righteous and holy. All Your ways are just. You established equity and execute justice and righteousness. Hear my cry as I lay all of this load before You today. Have mercy as I cast all my cares upon You right now.
I am tired and I am in my feelings right now. Fight for me, yes but help me to see as You see. Let Your will be done on this earth as it is done in Heaven. Correct every wrong and vindicate your daughters oh God. Raise people who will stand with us and hold our hands. I pray for strength because it can be a lot, too many times, we stand unguarded, afraid and vulnerable. I pray for strength, to stand with my sisters, to stand despite the pain and carry on doing the good I know to do.
Help me to always keep my eyes, stayed on You, at all times, in all things, in Jesus name, I pray, Amen.
Love and Blessings,