Hello dear Reader,
How are you today?
Let me tell you a story…
Over the last few months, I have been unsettled, uneasy and feeling out of place in my self. I had started addressing the reasons but would start and stop. I would always tell God, “I will stop here”, then pick up my phone and distract myself with TikTok.
Today, I saw a post on Instagram and my initial reaction was one of anger. I sent the post to two women I admire and one of them made it into a poll to gather information and the other took me to School! Yes, Sis included a tag and links, to educate me on my incorrect perspective.
Reading her thoughts, I felt so bad about the whole thing, about myself and my behaviour, I teared up. I realised that I had a lot more unlearning to do. Somehow, I had bought arrant nonsense and held on to it as if it was Gospel. Thank God for wise, godly women eh?
Going back to the beginning of this post, I have felt weird and the contention in my stomach could tie many knots. In figuring out why I felt so weird, it hit me. I have been doing things I had no business doing. I had allowed myself, fuel others when I should have recharged. I had said yes when I really should have said no. I have allowed people in, that had no business gaining access. I keep giving but refuse to receive. I try to ensure the scale is either balanced or is tipped in their favour so no one could demand anything from me.
[Someone once said to me that I make it hard for people to bless me or help me. She said that after it sounded like I needed help and she, excited and delighted to help me, found to her disappointment that it was not me who needed help. I hear this a lot and I am struggling to change…]
Couple that with life, bad news, more bad news, it has been a hectic few months and I am not even including the Pandemic. As I was thinking about all of these things, it occurred to me that I have been treating myself badly. If I was someone else, I would apologise to myself. In addition to apologising, I hope that you, dear reader, will either learn or put it in your pocket for future personal use.
I am sorry Chii, I am so sorry. I apologise.
I apologise to myself for giving to others instead of myself and allowing my own capacity/tank run low. I apologise for not speaking up for myself. I apologise for making stupid decisions that have left me worse off. I apologise for not prioritising my mental health. I apologise for allowing others to invade my safe place. I apologise for not setting appropriate boundaries but instead making room for any and everyone to do what they wanted when they wanted.
I apologise to myself for not being honest with myself or with God. I am sorry that I allowed fear dictate my decisions and response. I am sorry that I allowed myself be treated like an option when I know I should be the priority. I am sorry that I have accepted and believed lies that have hurt me and despite the awareness of this, I still refused to drop it.
Chii, I am sorry that I have a hard time learning from my mistakes. I am sorry that I keep marching around these mountains. I apologise for not speaking up when I should and for speaking when I should have been quiet. I apologise Chii. I am sorry that I keep persisting in people-pleasing when I should have been checking with God. I am sorry. I apologise.
I hope these things do not happen again.
…and just like that, I feel better.
Maybe, like me, you have been feeling out of place and body. It maybe that you have grieved yourself in one way or another. Maybe you need to apologise to yourself. Maybe. If you do, what do you need to apologise for?
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” – Romans 8:1 NLT
Love and Blessings,